3 A.M. in the Morning

We were there, laying almost-naked under the thick blanket in our hotel room. It was 3 A.M. in the morning. I was awakened by the movements of your body, which tried to hug me even tighter than before. I was never a cuddling-while-sleeping kind of person. It reduces my ability to breathe. So I tried to sat down, positioning my body higher than yours so that you can hug my belly and tights instead of my whole figure, while I caress your hair that you wouldn’t let me touch when you’re fully awake.

Darn you, God,” I thought, “this man is so adorable.” Even under the dimmed table lights, I can clearly see the captivating physical charms you had that made me fell for you. Your edgy hairstyle, thick eyebrows, sharp nose, strong jawline, perfect stubble, clean neckline… just enough to knocked me off my feet over and over again day by day.

The TV was turned on. We forgot to turn it off because we were hardly care about it. I continued stroking your hair while watching a guy doing some ridiculous stunts on the shining box. Sometimes I casted a glance back to you. And hey, turns out what people said about that moment when you’re staring at someone silently, then suddenly your heart says, “Damn, I’m so into this guy,” was true. I felt it. I really did.

Minutes later you woke up, asking me why I didn’t sleep. I said I was fine, that I’ve had enough sleep already. You then turned off the TV and invited me to laid back again on the bed. I agreed. I placed my head on your right chest while your hand gently held the fingers of mine. No one’s ever been so nice to me like you did. Your heartbeat and your breathing are the only sound that’s audible at that time. But for me, it was the most melodious lullaby I’ve ever heard in my whole life.

To be continued…

During The Day

I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I miss you. Real bad. I miss every single inch of your skin that once rubbed against mine. I miss every naughty glances we once exchanged when nobody noticed. I miss those silly jokes you once used just to make me giggle. I miss when we were together, once, a long time ago.

It’s not me, and it’s not you either, you said at our last meeting. It wasn’t anyone. It’s just that everything doesn’t always go our way, which is normal and happens in every aspects of our lives. I cried. It was the last time you wiped the tears that dropped from my eyes. Because after that, God was like totally separate us to our own ways: yours and mine. There’s no “ours” anymore. Or even, it was never is.

Good-byes aren’t good. In our case, it made me sick. For months I suffered from not listening to our songs that magically seems to be played everywhere I go the first weeks we decided to not being together anymore. Until now, I still can’t re-watch the romance movie we used to watch because it reminded me on how comfortable it was to put my head on your left shoulder. I also passed through days of depression, when nobody seems to be as unlucky as I am, to lost something that’s real precious in my life: you. When I lost you, I lost a friend, a rival, a brother, a lover, an enemy, an idol, I started to feel like I even lost myself.

But who was I at that time to ask you more than you’ve already given to me? I was never yours and you were never mine. It was the cornerstone we agreed to place in our hearts and minds. My mistake was that I built something upon that cornerstone, while you’re not. You never were.

A year after our last meeting, and I still can’t get over you. Your profile’s still the first thing I’d check after I wake up in the morning. Your face’s still the last image I’d remember in my mind before I sleep in the night. Because for me, you’re still here, right beside me through the days and nights.

I hope it is happiness that you encounter on your new place.

A Note on A Thunderbolt-y Night

I hate fights. I still remember how you shouted at me so loud I can’t even hear my own voice inside my head. I was trying to comfort you but how can I do that when I can’t even comfort myself. The screams, the repeated arguments, the unimportant alibis, the silent nights, the awkward days, the blackened eyes.. Back then I thought that we were fine, unaware that it never is. The madness was intensely loco. The communications were inexistent. I don’t even know where the love is I once felt the first time I met you. It’s gone. Or, maybe, it was never there.

And then the made up days. I always pretended to be happy that you came back into my arms. The truth is, I was more than ready to let you go since the 2nd or 3rd made up day. I no longer felt the warmth of your hugs, the sweetness of your lips when we kissed, or the care you poured me everytime we’re together. Days gone by and so does my feelings. I don’t even recognize who you are anymore.

Since that last day, I never consider myself lucky to ever had you in my life. Being with you was a mistake, a very big mistake I made in my teenage life. I’ve never regret anything that happened in my life, until I met you. I regret the days I spent with you only to do worthless things or just to yell at each other. I regret the weeks you locked me on your sights and that I can’t be with anyone else but you, which is completely wrecked me both physically and emotionally. I regret the months I spent just to help you to do things you won’t even do it by yourself, only because you’re too stupid and too lazy to learn anything. Now I even regret that I ever know you.

It wasn’t cool for anyone to play as the victim, you know. Especially for so-called men like you were. So un-classy. Pathetic. Promoting yourself as the one whose heart was being hurt, while I was here by myself healing for my real bleedings right under my bottom lip. You should’ve been arrested by the police. You should’ve known how it feels to be locked down and can not go anywhere but 12 inches from where you’re currently standing, just like how I felt when I was with you. You’re a monster. You’re an anti-human. The worst creature I’ve ever encounter.

But God is Good. He gave you more time here in the world much more than what you need, to fix yourself, to be better than that yesterday-you. Even though I forever doubt that you will.

Finally, give my rgds to the woman you’re currently with. Tell her to save herself as soon as she can, because I can see that she’s not as strong as I am. She’s too weak, you know. She’s weaker than a glass, you can even see it through her eyes..


Because there are things you can’t share with your girl friends and platonic guy friends, I believe that every straight woman actually need at least one gay best friend on her life. By I mean ‘things you can’t share‘, mostly it’s about problems that cannot be taken out from the closet. That’s why a gay best friend is always helpful for: because he knows (or once knew) how it feels to hide something in the closet, too. And I need one, like, RIGHT NOW!

I love my girl friends, they’re fun to be around with and it’s always great to have activities together or gossipping around with them. But the problem with girls bestfriendship is that it is like a circle around a tangled, intertwining friendship lines and circle. Here’s the illustration:

besfriendship circle diagram

Friendship diagram consisted of 4 women

Inside, you can find:

  3. A four-people friendship = RED-YELLOW-GREEN-BLUE

I mean, in a best friend circle of women, there are circles on it where you’re not part of. Like when you are RED, you are not inside the YELLOW-GREEN-BLUE circle so they might talk things about you that they don’t want you to know. RED might also talk about personal things to YELLOW only, but how do RED know that YELLOW won’t tell GREEN and BLUE, too? I don’t say that this only occurs to women’s bestfriendship but these lines-and-circles-inside-a-circle thing is more impactful on it. Male friendship tend to be more simple. There are lines inside, too, but what’s connected within is not the same like in the females’.

In another word, girl friends are never to be fully trusted.

Or not.

Because maybe it’s just me.

Or not.

Sorry, girls.